Is this how you got here, too? The fact that you are reading this page means that you do recognize the anxiety, frustration, even desperation that come through loud and clear in the quotes below.
Could it be that they are telling YOUR story as well?!  (scroll down to read stories from our readers)

Below I’ve selected a few excerpts from emails that I received from my readers and clients.  Thank you all for sending them in! These are our stories, our lives, our challenges.  They are unique, yet similar. I’ve heard lots and lots of variations on the theme of sharing custody with an ex who’s driving you insane, but the theme itself seems to be always the same.  It uncovers feelings of hopelessness and sadness, anxiety and anger, feelings that seem to be always present right under the surface.   Even the brief periods of relative calm are darkened by the knowledge that another storm lies just beneath the horizon. There is virtually no personal peace whatsoever.   And what’s worse is that it isn’t a situation that is likely to go away soon.  Chances are that you’re in for the long haul, especially if your children are still very young. Your children will bind you to your ex for decades after separation.  Chances are that your problems won’t disappear, and neither will your ex.

 
Excerpts from stories sent in by our readers and clients:
(Names and contact info are kept private as per your request)

Thank you all for sending me your stories. I am in awe at how similar our experiences are, no matter who you are or where you come from. Truly amazing!
I am updating this section weekly. Please, do check back soon!  If you’d like to share your story, I’d love to read it. Click here to email it to me now!  Please, make sure to indicate if you prefer that  your name and/or email address remain private. Thank you so much! Coach Heidi

An Emotional Abuse Survivor's Story
By Nancy GG
As someone who suffered abuse throughout a 15-year marriage and beyond, I would like to share what I believe to be some sure signs of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is more insidious than other abuses and just as damaging. Through this type of persecution, my partner attacked my very soul -- using words and mannerisms that caused much pain and suffering. Over time, he systematically eroded my self-confidence and self-worth and created hurt so deep I could no longer bear his presence in my life.

My partner never took responsibility for his own actions. He blamed me incessantly, even for his own abusive behavior. When confronted, he always had some excuse to justify himself. At his hands, I was subjected to insults, put-downs, shouting, threats and sarcasm. I was criticized, called names, humiliated, intimated and given ultimatums. Sometimes, he disguised his snide or cutting comments as humor. I found that even his subtlest comment could hurt me as much as his stronger, louder and more obviously denigrating statements. He typically ended his verbal assaults by accusing me of provoking his abuse or telling me that I deserved it. He shunned my explanations and what I might say in my own defense.

Body language too spoke volumes. For example, my partner habitually chose to walk or stand in front of, rather than beside me when we were out together. The messages I got were that he couldn't care less about me, was somehow better than me...that I could never be his equal anyway.  Often he verbalized these sentiments too.

My partner rarely had anything nice to say to me or about me and always made me feel completely undeserving of even the minutest amount of appreciation and support. He was also secretive and dishonest with me. He would lie and withhold information about important matters such as our financial affairs. Often he made plans or commitments affecting both of us, without my knowledge or consent, and refused to answer my questions.

Typically, my partner would not communicate with me without being abusive, and would never listen to me. He was intolerant of any opinions that differed one iota from his own. Moreover, his constant accusations and dogmatic way of speaking always made me feel like an unequal, rather than equal participant.

I learned the hard way that living under the cloud of emotional abuse does affect one's health and well being. Because I believe that relationship partners can and should discuss ways to ensure that their words and actions do not inflict discomfort on one another, I made many attempts to alert him to how his words and actions made me feel. Sadly, he rejected them all, telling me repeatedly that whatever I had to say was not worth his time or attention.   Ironically, he accused me of not being able to communicate effectively. He became deeply entrenched in denial over his own abusive behavior.  He was solidly convinced that I alone was to blame for his inability to relate to the children and me in a loving, accepting and non-abusive way.  Eventually, I saw that under those circumstances, I would never be able to end the cycle of abuse and the anguish it brought me and my children, and I began to implement my options for breaking free.
(this email was received anonymous)

11/4/2002 from Danielle
Our hearts go out to you, Danielle;  last night I printed out Danielle’s email and handed it to my son to read (he is 10).  I wanted him to know that he’s not alone and that there are many moms out there that don’t know what to tell their kids about their absent fathers. Again, thanks for writing, Danielle.   Love.  Coach Heidi

“Thank you so much for creating something like this. I know that sometimes it seems like people feel that you should be over it a get a life. I am the mother of one incredible little boy. He is eight years old now, and
that means that I have been dealing with this "jerk" for at least that long. We split up when my son was four months old. He started doing drugs at that time, because "what else do you do when you have money?" As it turned out he had less money than I thought at the time, so I was left with a baby and 30,000 in debts. It has taken a lot to get rid of it, and since we weren't married, just common law, the courts didn't care to try to find him to make him accountable for that debt. I know that I was naive due to the fact that I gave him my share of the money every month to pay the bills, and save, so that when we broke up there was nothing.  I can tell you that my son has been my power, my reason and my savior to see me through this. If I hadn't had him, I don't know that I would have cared to survive what I went through. Drugs changes a person, so that the man that was there once, is no longer. The only thing that I think differs from some of the women that read this, is that we weren't married, so sharing is not something that I do. My son’s father comes and goes so infrequently, that my son doesn't really want him around anymore. I can see that he is torn with that decision sometimes, and I just tell him that when he wants to see him, he can and that no one will be upset or angry. Unfortunately, the times that he has said that he might want to see him, his dad always has an excuse. Typical, I think. Then to help matters, or make them worse, his dad ended up in jail for not having insurance on his car for the third time. It is very hard to raise a child when the father is a jerk, but when your child begs you not to tell people he has a dad, because he is embarrassed about facts like that, I find myself struggling with the right answers for him. Some people tell me that I should let my son make the decisions based on his father. Some tell me that I should be teaching my son respect for his elders, seeing that, that is his father, and I have no right to have him speak of his father that way. I think that I have an extremely intelligent son and I know that his feelings are valid, but I feel too, that he feels this burden when faced with the knowledge of his father, and that it is a daily thing for him.  I am sorry that I have droned on and on like this, but I am looking for support as well as hopefully reaching someone who made need support too.
Take care
God Bless
Danielle”
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12/19/2003
From: Ann G.
Dear Heidi, I got your website from my counselor. Thank you for caring.  My  dilemma may be like many. I am told to go seek full time employment, you know  the kind that pays the baby sitter (that is if you can find one) which means the  company owns you if you want to make a decent living (one that pays the bills, baby sitting and all mental health issues that are associated to the fact that your ex-husband never pays attention to your children).  This also means say goodbye to your kids, you know sorry I have to work late again, sorry I missed your basketball game, you know kids someone has to pay the bills, your needs will have to wait, and they do only to find your child has developed anxieties, anger and needs special attention to complete homework assignments.  So what better relief  then to hand them over to the jerk for his weekend only to hire a family member to take care of your kids while he sows his oats, or maybe he does  decide to stay home only to pick a pg13 movie for your 8 year old.  Better yet why not go jogging at a municipal park and leave your 6 year old at the playground by herself at dusk only to freak out because her father and brother  are nowhere in sight.  Awe yes then come home to mommy on Sunday night not  relieved that they spent quality time with there father over the weekend but to  untangle the mess that was heaped upon your kids over the weekend. Dad walks away at 6:30 , mom is left with the showers baths and dirty laundry from his weekend let alone the increased anxiety issues that have been heaped upon your children. So you call in sick or miss work to catch up with the weekends crisis  only to find your job is on the line.  But wait there is a half day for the kids  this week.  What do you do why ask your ex-husband for help only to get shot  down in your face. You take another day off, miss work and guess what you are in  the unemployment line.  Try to leave town to live near family and friends that  CAN support you during these challenging times and guess what the court says  no,  and slaps your ex-husband on the wrist  to help out more with the  kids. With now $10,000 down the drain and ex-husband refusing to take the kids who do you call now?  God knows I don't have a dime to call in a lawyer again. Conclusion..... Find a full-time good paying job in this economy, realize his  700 a month for two children is all you are going to get, pay a mortgage or a  rent, don't expect more than once a week for dinner and every other weekend for baby sitting service from your ex and if your kids flip from all this confusion  put them on medication and hope you have the insurance to do so.  It is a double  edge sword that not even houdini can get out of and quite frankly I have been so  discouraged with the system to see the light.  Hope this helps others and can  you help.
Signed, I am not a houdini.
--- Ann XXXX

A INSPiRING POST FROM OUR YAHOO SUPPORT GROUP:

I truly understand what you are saying. My husband rides in here
like the white knight bearing gifts and fun, while I am the one with
them on a daily basis having to be the one to discipline them. I have
noticed that even when he comes to visit, if the kids are fighting
or whatever, he says nothing. I am sure you have probably heard as I
have.."I will just go live with Dad" Everytime my teenager gets mad
at me, that is his answer. Hang in there, I know its hard as I am
living it now too. I keep telling myself, others in worse shape than
I have made it so I can to. (name deleted for privacy)
(UCK)