The X-Jerk Files

Some materials in this section are copyrighted and are provided as is or adapted, with permission of the original authors.
Use the links below to read through the X-Jerk Files.  To access the other sections of this web site, use the links at the very top of every page.
 

Main Page:

Getting Ready for Freedom
(Action Plan)

Other X-Jerk Files:

Am I being bullied?

Serial Jerk - Profile

FAQ about X-Jerks

7 Types of Abuse

Why you don’t stand up for yourself

Why people do what they do and don’t do what they could do

Games People Play

Coping with a Jerk

The Top Ten Ways to maintain your boundaries when they are challenged

Your Kids are Non-Divorceable

 

"Why don't you stand up for yourself?"
 is an often asked question.   We're adults, aren't we? 

The reasons people don't assert their right not to be bullied are complex as the following list shows (all the fears are justified):

• the target of bullying has been disempowered through isolation and exclusion and the manipulation through witholding/delaying of financial support, blackmail using the children as pawns, various threats (justified or not), refusal to cooperate or communicate,  instigating and excessively interrogating the children, friends and family.
• the bully is constantly threatening and intimidating the target
• there is a climate of dysfunction and fear in which people are frightened to assert their rights
• the target now has artificially high levels of shame, embarrassment, fear  and guilt - all stimulated by the bully, for this is how all abusers control  their victims
• the target feels bewildered and often still cannot believe that what is  happening is happening; the target feels responsible in some way, as evidenced by the nagging thoughts "Why me?" and "Why did I let it happen to me?" (Click here for some  answers)
• the target fears for loss of their financial support, custody and/or visitation rights etc.
• there is no law against bullying and the laws that do exist are difficult to apply to bullying
• by this time the target is suffering a severe psychiatric injury, is traumatized and unable to articulate their circumstances - whilst the bully  remains glib and plausible
• trauma and fear combine to prevent the target from being able to find the  right words to identify, unmask and call to account their tormentor
• when the symptoms of psychiatric injury start to appear the bully plays the  mental health trap, claiming this person "has a mental health problem" (psychiatric injury has nothing to do with mental illness - click here to see the  differences, 9C) T Field www.bullyonline.org )
• the target has no knowledge of serial jerks,  sociopaths, etc, and no experience of dealing with these characters
• the jerk relies on compulsive lying, Jekyll & Hyde nature, deception,  deviousness, evasiveness and charm and uses denial, counter-attack, projection and feigning victimhood to evade accountability . Charm has a motive - deception.
• the serial jerk abuses power, exhibits amoral behavior and lacks conscience and remorse
• there's a lot of ignorance and unenlightenedness about bullying
• the silence is deafening
• denial is everywhere
• disbelief is prevalent too - the target fears that no-one will believe them  and even the target eventually questions their belief that this is happening,  especially as the jerk persistently and plausibly denies everything
• jerks are encouraged and rewarded, often by admiration from family and friends
• the target doesn't want to have "stress" on their health record
• the target doesn't want to get themselves and their children into trouble and is reluctant to  initiate legal action against a fellow human being
• the target naively believes that the system (mediation) is there to protect them and will work for them (it isn't and it doesn't)
• the target naively believes that their loyalty and good parenting will stand them in good stead (it won't and the courts are likely to ignore and  dismiss it)
• the target naively believes that Family Law and police are there to  protect them (they're not, children are protected to a certain extent - against evidenced physical abuse mostly)
• bullying is a betrayal; the target trusted and depended on the integrity of  another (eg the co-parent) and that person betrayed them; the target fears and anticipates that when they report the jerk, they will be betrayed again  (they often are)
• those in authority did nothing to prevent the bullying while it was  happening, nor did they do anything subsequently; very often it is the person in  the position of authority who controls the finances and can afford excellent legal counsel; trust in authority is low, with justification
• bullying is a form of psychological rape because of its intrusive and  violational nature
• the target felt and continues to feel guilty about what happened, having been encouraged by the jerky to believe they were responsible
• the target may have been encouraged to withdraw from legal action by the jerk feigning victimhood and playing on their target's forgiving chord and manipulating other people's sympathies, or unusual hardship (financial).
  
  Additional Resource: see Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - a normal and natural emotional reaction to a deeply disturbing and  shocking experience. It's possible half the population suffers PTSD to varying  extents; mostly it is diagnosed as "stress" and "anxiety". Recovery from PTSD is  described in David Kinchin's book Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: the invisible injury, 2001 edition.