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‘Did you see that girl?’ he asked, looking at me.
‘She is a classic example of psychological violence. This is what the human need to control others leads to when taken to the extreme. The old man and woman are dominating the girl totally. Did you see how nervous and stooped she was?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘But it appears she’s about fed up.’
‘Exactly! Her parents have never let up. And from her point of view she has no choice but to lash out violently.
It is the only way she can gain some control for herself. Unfortunately, when she grows up, because of this early trauma, she will think she has to seize control and dominate others with the same intensity. This characteristic will be deeply ingrained and will make her just as dominating as her parents are now, especially when she is around people who are vulnerable, such as children.’ [...]
‘In fact, this same trauma no doubt happened to her parents before her. They have to dominate now because of the way their parents dominated them. That’s the means through which
psychological violence is passed down from one generation to another.’
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How can I shield my child ?
Your child is likely to encounter narcissists, ego maniacs, bullies, jerks and the like in his future. In a way, he will be better prepared to cope
with them, more alert to their existence and chicanery and more desensitized to their abuse.
For this you should be grateful.
There is nothing much you can do, otherwise. Stop
wasting your money, time, energy and emotional resources on this intractable "problem" of how to insulate your child from his father's influence. It is a lost war, though a just cause.
Instead, make yourself available to your child.
Your job is to unconditionally love and support them. Encourage them to live by their own choices, then show them that you care even when you (sometimes) disagree. Empower them to trust what they feel and teach them how to use that as their guidance in building their relationship with their father. If things get rough, know that you are the parent and thus have the last word. Know when to decide for them, as circumstances may require, and leave the details of their interaction to them. Know that all is well, children are more resilient than we may think.
I’m afraid my child will become just like his dad!
The only thing you can do to prevent your child from emulating his father - is
to present to him another role model of a NON-narcissist - YOU. Hopefully, when he grows up, he will prefer your model to his father's. But there is only that much you can do. You cannot control the developmental path of your son. Exerting unlimited control over your son is what narcissism is all about - and is exactly what you should avoid at all costs, however worried you might be.
Narcissism does tend to breed Narcissism - but not inevitably. Not all the offspring of a narcissist inexorably become narcissists.
Learn to recognize the traits and motivations of the jerk then help your child live THEIR OWN life, with your unconditional support and
love.
In a nutshell, here’s a summary of how jerks view their children:
The Narcissistic parent regards his or her child as a multifaceted source of
Narcissistic supply. The child is considered and treated as an extension of the Narcissist's personality. It is through the child that the Narcissist seeks to settle "open accounts" with the world. The child is supposed to materialize the unfulfilled Narcissistic dreams and fantasies of the Narcissistic parent. This "Life by Proxy" can develop in two possible ways:
The Narcissist can either merge with his child or be ambivalent towards him. The ambivalence is the result of a conflict between the attainment of Narcissistic goals and pathological
(destructive) envy.
To ameliorate the unease bred by emotional ambivalence, the Narcissist resorts to a myriad of control mechanisms. The latter can be grouped into:
- guilt-driven ("I sacrificed my life for you!"),
- dependence-driven ("I need you, I cannot cope without you"),
- goal-driven ("We have a common goal which we must achieve") and
- explicit ("If you do not adhere to my principles, beliefs, ideology, religion or any other set of
values, sanctions will be imposed").
The exercise of control helps to sustain the illusion that the child is a part of the Narcissist. Such sustenance calls for extraordinary levels
of control (on the part of the parent) and obedience (on the part of the child). The relationship is typically symbiotic and emotionally vicissitudinal and turbulent.
The child
fulfill another important Narcissistic function, that of
Narcissistic supply. There is no denying the implied (though imaginary) immortality in having a child. The early (natural) dependence of the child serves to assuage the fear of abandonment, which is THE driving force in the Narcissist's life. The Narcissist tries to perpetuate this dependence, using the aforementioned control mechanisms. The child is the penultimate Secondary Narcissistic Source of Supply. He is present, he admires, he accumulates and remembers, owing to his wish to be loved he can be extorted into forever giving. For the Narcissist, a child is a dream come true, but only in the most egotistical sense. When the child is perceived as "reneging" on his chief duty (to provide his Narcissistic parent with constant supply of adoration), the emotional reaction is harsh and revealing.
It is when the Narcissistic parent is disenchanted with his child that we see the true nature of this pathological relationship. The child is totally
objectified. The Narcissist reacts to a breach in the unwritten contract with wells of aggression and aggressive transformations: contempt, rage, emotional and psychological abuse, and even physical violence. He tries to annihilate the real child (brought to the Narcissist's awareness through the child's refusal to act as before) and substitute it with the subservient, edifying, former version.
The Narcissistic parent tends to produce another Narcissist in his child. But this outcome can be effectively countered by loving, empathic, predictable, just, and positive upbringing
which encourages a sense of autonomy and responsibility.
Provide your child with an alternative to his father's venomous and exploitative existence. Trust your child to choose
life over death, love over narcissism, human collaboration over narcissistic supply.
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