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Frequently Asked Questions
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Why call a jerk a jerk?
Isn’t this a bit “negative” ... coming from a coach?
Well, yes, that’s a good point! However, calling a jerk a jerk is as judgmental and
negative as calling a tree a tree. It’s not good or bad, it just IS. The first step in breaking free is telling the truth about what is so, it’s only a starting point.
The life purpose of jerks
seems to be bullying others.
It’s their life source. Standing up for yourself feels like cutting their source of oxygen. They have yet to figure out that there is enough available for everyone. They didn’t get that way intentionally, at least that’s my opinion. Unfortunately, understanding their plight, not without compassion - I will add-, does NOT make it any easier for me. I am no longer surprised at the vehemence with which they fight to keep you entangled. The only way out is OUT! Disengage & Redirect your compassion to a worthier cause, if you will!
The main motivation of the serial jerk is is to hide inadequacy. Bullying has nothing to do with cooperation, collaboration and co-parenting. Secure parents (people in general) collaborate,
inadequate parents bully. Therefore, anyone who chooses to bully is admitting their inadequacy, and the extent to which a person bullies is a measure of their inadequacy.
Despite the facade
that such people put up, a bully has low self-confidence and low self-esteem, and thus feels insecure. Low self-esteem is a factor highlighted by all studies of bullying. Because such people
are inadequate and
unable to fulfill the duties and obligations of their life (but usually have no hesitation in accepting glory), they fear being revealed. This fear of exposure often borders on paranoia.
Bullies are seething with resentment, bitterness, hatred and anger, and often have wide-ranging prejudices as a vehicle for dumping their anger onto others. Bullies are driven by jealousy and
envy. Rejection (which cannot be assuaged) is another powerful motivator of bullying.
Prosperity and well-being is illusory and such people are a bad long-term emotional investment.
Projection
and denial
are hallmarks of the serial jerk. They will construct and reinterpret reality around them and within as it suits their momentary fancy, many times contradicting themselves as to their opinions, outlook and motivation.
Their actions can be qualified as harassment, discrimination, prejudice, abuse, persecution, evasion of justice, conflict and violence, the specifics of which will or will not be easily proven.
Bullies project their inadequacy on to others:
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a) to avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it;
b)
to avoid accepting responsibility for their behavior and the effect it has on others, and, mainly,
c) to divert attention away from their inadequacy - in
an insecure or badly managed life, this is how inadequate, incompetent and aggressive people keep their self esteem.
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When the jerk has a focus (e.g. how you discipline your kids, bedtime rules, etc.) it comes out as
prejudice or harassment, or sexual discrimination and harassment, and so on. When the jerk lacks a focus (or they are aware of the legal repercussions of being politically/legally incorrect), it comes out as pure over- or disempowering emotional vampirism; this is an opportunity to understand the behaviors which underlie almost all reprehensible behavior. I believe bullying is the single most important social issue of today, the most widespread source of ineffective co-parenting.
It cannot and should not be disqualified as “lack of communication and/or cooperation skills”. In a nutshell, it’s sheer abuse.
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How do jerks select their target?
Jerks bullying is obsessive and compulsive; the serial jerk has to have someone to bully and appears to be unable to survive without a current target.
Bullies are people who have not learned the lesson of consequences, i.e. that if they behave well there are good consequences (reward), but if they behave
badly there are bad consequences (restriction, sanction, punishment, etc.). Since childhood, bullies have learnt that they can avoid the unpleasant consequences of bad behavior through the instinctive response of denial, blame, and feigning victimhood.
The bully selects their target using the following criteria:
Bullies are predatory and opportunistic - you just happened to be in the
wrong place at the wrong time; this is always the main reason - investigation will reveal a string of predecessors, and you will have a string of successors. More reasons are:
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- being good at what you do, often excelling
- being popular with people (relatives, community, your children, . colleagues, other parents, teachers etc.)
- more than
anything else, the bully fears exposure of his/her inadequacy and incompetence; your presence, popularity and competence unknowingly and unwittingly fuel that fear
- being the expert and the
person to whom others come for advice, either personal or professional, having a strong sense of integrity (bullies despise integrity, for they have none)
- having at least one
vulnerability that can be exploited :being too old, too sensitive, too poor, too depressed, too ... something, anything ...
- refusing to join an established prejudice, showing independence of thought
refusing to become a clone and drone
- showing understanding, compassion and willingness to compromise
- wanting the best for everyone involved
- wanting their approval, respect or both
- willing to extend them the benefit of a doubt
- not communicating your boundaries clearly
- willing
to engage and needing to prove that you are right (and so is everyone else except them)
- easily “paralyzed” by injustice, being a freedom fighter
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Why me?
The short answer: "Only the best are bullied"
Long answer: see previous question.
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What are the triggers that cause a jerk to bully you?
1)Jealousy
(of relationships and perceived exclusion therefrom) and envy (of talents, abilities, circumstances or possessions) are strong motivators of bullying.
2) Events that trigger bullying.
Bullying starts after one of these events:
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- the previous target leaves
- your life unwittingly highlights, draws attention to, exposes or
invites unfavorable comparison with the jerk's lack of performance (the harder you work to address the their claims of underperformance., the more insecure and unstable they become)
- you may have
unwittingly become the focus of attention whereas before the jerk was the center of attention (this often occurs with women bullies) - most jerks are emotionally immature and thus crave
attention
- obvious displays of affection, respect or trust from family and friends
- refusing to obey an order which violates agreements, rules, regulations, procedures, or is illegal
-
standing up for the underdog (even if a fictional character) - this ensures you will be next; sometimes the jerk drops their current target and turns their attention to you immediately
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initiating legal or mediation action on the grounds of lack of cooperation, incompetence, fraud, illegality, breaches of agreements, nonpayment of child support/alimony, seeking
counseling/therapy for yourself and/or your children
challenging the status quo, especially unwittingly
- gaining recognition for your achievements, e.g. winning an award or being publicly
recognized, gaining a promotion, buying a house, taking a vacation
- being HAPPY!
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3) Personal qualities that bullies find irresistible
Targets of bullying usually have these qualities:
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- popularity (this stimulates jealousy in the less-than-popular jerk)
- competence (this stimulates envy in the less-than-competent jerk) intelligence and intellect
- honesty and integrity (which jerks despise)
- you're trustworthy, trusting, conscientious, loyal and dependable
- a well-developed integrity which you're unwilling to compromise
- you're always willing to go that extra mile and expect others to do the same
- successful, tenacious, determined, courageous, having fortitude
- a sense of humor, including displays of quick-wittedness
- imaginative, creative, innovative
- idealistic, optimistic, always working for improvement and betterment of
self, family, community and the world
- ability to master new skills
- ability to think long term and to see the bigger picture
- sensitivity (this is a constellation of values to be
cherished including empathy, concern for others, respect, tolerance etc.)
- slow to anger
- helpful, always willing to share knowledge and experience
- giving and selfless
- difficulty saying no
- diligent, industrious
- tolerant, accepting and humble
- strong sense of honor
- irrepressible, wanting to tackle and correct injustice wherever you see it
-
an inability to value oneself whilst attributing greater importance and validity to other people's opinions of oneself (e.g. figures of authority: parents, judges, etc.)
- low propensity to
violence (ie you prefer to resolve conflict through dialogue rather than through violence or legal action)
- a strong forgiving streak (which the jerk exploits and manipulates to dissuade
you from taking grievance and legal action)
- a desire to always think well of others
- being incorruptible, having high moral standards which you are unwilling to compromise
- being unwilling to lower standards and compromise your behavior
- a strong well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise or abandon
- high expectations of those in authority
and a dislike of incompetent people in positions of power who abuse power
- a tendency to self-deprecation, indecisiveness, deference and approval seeking
low assertiveness
- a need to feel valued, heard, understood
- quick to apologize when accused, even if not guilty (this is a useful technique for defusing an aggressive person for example in a
potential road rage incident)
- perfectionism
- higher-than-average levels of dependency, naivety and guilt/shame
- a strong sense of fair play and a desire to always be reasonable
- high
coping skills under stress, especially when the injury to health becomes apparent
- a tendency to internalize anger rather than express it
- being a SuperSensitive person (more about SSP here)
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Can serial jerks be helped?
People who are unwitting bullies can be helped by removal of pressure - then their behavior improves. “Sociopathic serial jerks/bullies cannot be helped at the moment. Work on psychopaths shows that the condition does not respond to treatment - in fact, treatment may make the condition worse. Their behavior is as ingrained as a pedophile. Work with pedophiles suggests that it may take at least two years of counseling and therapy before the pedophile can begin to see their victim as a human being rather than an object for their gratification, although the recidivism (re-offence) rate is high. I suspect the same applies to serial bullies. As an adult, the serial bully has to want to change - which they emphatically do not. And who would pay for the counseling and therapy?” (TF)
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What is it about me that causes bullies to pick on me?
Because you have a lot of positive qualities of which the bully
is envious. Click here.
Why did I let it happen to me?
See previous answers. Because you had little or no knowledge of bullying, no training in how to deal with it,
those around you denied or ignored it, you didn't recognize the jerk as a sociopath, the bully disempowered you, you were vulnerable, you're honest and unwilling to compromise your integrity, the law is weak, jobs are scarce so you depended on alimony and child support payments, you believed their threats to interfere with your relationship with your children, etc.
What did I do to deserve it?
Nothing. See previous answers. It is
NEVER the target's fault - it is always the bully who is responsible for their behavior; however, bullies project their behavior onto their target and claim their target is the one with the "negative attitude" who is "aggressive" etc. Treat each criticism or allegation as an admission by the bully of his or her own failings and inadequacy. A target of abuse simply happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time - and probably has plenty of predecessors and successors. From a spiritual point of view (which considers victims-perpetrators a perfect match), it is your guardedness, fear, dread, defensiveness that attracted them to you.
So what can I do about it?
Lots, although justice through the legal system is difficult at present. Read everything (books, this web site) and decide whether you want to
a) simplify your life, become financially independent then disengage, ignore and redirect your life efforts to a more worthy cause
b) take legal action, ask for psychological evaluation and pursue it with all you have
c) fight bullying on a wider scale by increasing awareness to it
d) get training and educate yourself as to
assertiveness techniques, as well as life strategies ( hire professional trainers or a coach).
e) follow another option, or
f) a combination of these. It's a personal decision that only you can make.
Action Plan : Getting Ready for Freedom
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I thought I was the only one this was happening to.
Almost
everyone who is abused thinks this. Abusers encourage it, for it disempowers and silences you. However, there are many people in your situation - co-parenting with a bullying ex is quite common. The reason so few people report their abusers is for fear that "no-one will believe me".
They are usually correct - but things are changing. You can help the process of change.
I never thought I would be a victim.
You're not a victim, you're a target. The word "victim" allows some people to tap into and stimulate prejudices and preconceived
notions about "victimhood", e.g. that it's all your fault. It is not - the jerk has deliberately and intentionally targeted you. It is the bully's pattern of behavior (constant nitpicking criticisms, specious allegations etc.) which reveals intent. Click here to see the reasons why people are targeted.
I feel I can’t go on with all this abuse. Is there anything I can do to protect myself?
If you're in an abusive relationship which includes physical violence towards you and/or your
children, call the police and find a shelter. They will direct you further.
Why can't I just stand up for yourself?
Because in almost every case when you assert your right not to be bullied, things get worse. The bully
senses that their tactics of control and subjugation are not working and, worse, that you can see through his or her mask of deceit. The bully's paranoid fear of exposure (of weakness, inadequacy and incompetence) goes exponential and the bully moves into phase two - elimination.
Check out the services and teleclasses (workshops by phone) for alternatives to assertiveness training. Learn the skills and use them in conjunction with legal action.
People who claim they're being bullied are just trying to hide the fact they're not very good at parenting and so they complain and b#tch a lot?
In at least 95% of the
cases of bullying [TF], the person has been picked on because they are good at what they do as parents and human beings, they are loved and respected by others. Bullies are driven by jealousy (of relationships) and envy (of abilities). The target just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Do women bully as well as men?
Yes. Jerks are people, there is no gender difference or bias.
Does the bully know what they are doing?
Yes. Stanton E Samenow's book Inside the criminal mind is clear on this point. If the bully knows what they are doing, they are liable for their behavior and the effects it has on other people. If the bully doesn't know what they are doing, the bully shouldn't be in a position of any authority (decision) or responsibility and the provisions of the Mental Health Act for grounds of diminished responsibility should apply.
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