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Am I being bullied?
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Constant criticism, nit-picking, no empathy, control freak, charm, devious, manipulative, mind control, mental, emotional and spiritual
cruelty, refusal to cooperate? Many don’t know it’s called abuse until they read this.
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Who does this describe in your life?
How do you know that
your ex is a bully, or if you’re just overreacting? After all, you’ve been told by so many to lighten up or stop complaining, yes?
Well, if you’re aggravated enough to read this page, chances are you’re NOT overreacting!
Welcome! and read on ...
Bullying would be the best way to describe what jerks do. So, how
do you know if you’re being bullied?
Bullying differs from harassment and assault in that the latter can result from a single incident or small number of incidents - which everybody recognizes as
harassment or assault - whereas bullying tends to be an accumulation of many small incidents over a long period of time.
Each incident tends to be trivial
, and on its own and out of context does not constitute an offense or grounds for grievance or legal action.
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What is bullying?
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- constant nit-picking, fault-finding and criticism of a trivial nature
- the triviality, regularity and frequency betray bullying; often there is a grain of truth (but only a grain) in the criticism to fool you into believing the criticism has validity, which it does not; often, the criticism is based on distortion, misrepresentation or fabrication
- simultaneous with the criticism, a constant refusal to acknowledge you and your contributions and achievements or to recognize your existence and value
- constant attempts to undermine you and your position, status, worth, value and potential
- were you in a group (e.g. family gathering), being singled out and treated differently; for instance, everyone else can get away with murder but the moment you put a foot
wrong - however trivial - action is taken against you being isolated and separated from everyone, excluded from what's going on, marginalized, overruled, ignored, sidelined, frozen out, sent to
Coventry
- being belittled, demeaned and patronized, especially in front of others and your kids
- being humiliated, shouted at and threatened, often in front of others (rarely in your kids presence)
- being overloaded with work/responsibilities, or having all your authority taken away and replaced with either no options to choose or with options that you disagree with
- finding that your efforts - and the credit for it - is stolen and plagiarized
- having your responsibility increased but your authority taken away
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unwillingness to make clear and timely arrangements for your kids’ vacation time thus restricting you to not being able to plan your career, work, weekends, vacation and alone time
- plans or deadlines, even when made and mutually agreed to, are changed at short notice - or no notice - and without you being informed until it's too late
- finding that everything you say and do is twisted, distorted and misrepresented
- being subjected to legal/disciplinary procedures with verbal or written warnings imposed for trivial or fabricated reasons and without proper investigation
- being coerced into overreacting/painful compromises through no fault of your own; being set up to lose any argument well in advance
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How do I recognize a jerk?
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Bullying is not a gender issue. Jerks are often clever people (men OR women), but you can be clever too! Read more about the Serial Jerk here.
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- Jekyll & Hyde nature - vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent
and charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature - only the current target sees both sides
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is a convincing, compulsive liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment
- uses lots of charm and is always plausible and convincing when peers, authority figures or others are present; the motive of the
charm is deception and its purpose is to compensate for lack of empathy
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relies on mimicry to convince others that they are a "normal" human being but their words, writing and deeds are hollow, superficial and glib
- displays a great deal of certitude and self-assuredness to mask their insecurity
- excels at deception
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exhibits unusual inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters or sexual behavior; underneath the charming exterior there are often suspicions or intimations of sexual harassment, sex discrimination or sexual abuse (sometimes racial prejudice as well)
- exhibits much controlling behavior and is a control freak
- displays a compulsive need to criticize whilst simultaneously refusing to acknowledge, value and praise others
- when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression
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often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their behavior and treatment of others; the jerk is oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen (and believe they are seen), and how they are actually seen
- has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness,
assertiveness, trust and integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, distrust and deceitfulness)
- when called to account, immediately and aggressively denies everything, then
counterattacks with distorted or fabricated criticisms and allegations; if this is insufficient, quickly feigns victimhood, often by bursting into tears (the purpose is to avoid answering the question and thus evade accountability by manipulating others through the use of guilt)
- is also ... aggressive, devious, manipulative, spiteful, vengeful, doesn't
listen, can't sustain mature adult conversation, lacks a conscience, shows no remorse, is drawn to power, emotionally cold and flat, humorless, joyless, ungrateful, dysfunctional, disruptive, divisive, rigid and inflexible, selfish, insincere, insecure, immature and deeply inadequate, especially in interpersonal skills
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It has been estimated that
one person in thirty has this behavior profile. I describe them as ‘jerk’, ‘bully’ or ‘sociopath’: a violent, aggressive but intelligent individual who expresses their violence psychologically (constant criticism etc.) rather than physically (assault). For the full profile, click here.
Resources for further research are here.
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What does bullying do to my health?
Any interaction with a bullying jerk may cause injury
to your health and make you ill. How many of these symptoms do you have?
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- constant high levels of stress and anxiety
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frequent illness such as viral infections especially flu and glandular fever, colds, coughs, chest, ear, nose and throat infections (stress plays havoc with your immune system)
- aches and pains in the joints and muscles with no obvious cause; also back pain with no obvious cause and which won't go away or respond to treatment
- headaches and migraines
- tiredness, exhaustion, constant fatigue
- sleeplessness, nightmares, waking early, waking up more tired than when you went to bed
- flashbacks and replays, obsessiveness, can't get the jerk out of your mind
- irritable bowel syndrome
- skin problems such as eczema, psoriasis, athlete's foot, ulcers, shingles, urticaria
- poor concentration, can't concentrate on anything for long
- bad or intermittently functioning memory, forgetfulness, especially with trivial day-to-day things
- sweating, trembling, shaking, palpitations, panic attacks
- tearfulness, bursting into tears regularly and over trivial things
- uncharacteristic irritability and angry outbursts
- hyper vigilance (feels like but is not paranoia), being constantly on edge
- hypersensitivity, fragility, isolation, withdrawal
- reactive depression, a feeling of woebegoneness, lethargy, hopelessness, anger, futility and more
- shattered self-confidence, low self-worth, low self-esteem, loss of self-love, etc.
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For the full set of symptoms of injury to health caused by prolonged negative stress (such as that caused by bullying and harassment) please seek out a licensed health professional who can help
you heal. The information above is to be used only to raise awareness and in no case to be misconstrued for self-diagnostic purposes.
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Resources for further reading click here.
The most comprehensive description of bullying, visit Tim Field’s web site www.bullyonline.org . Reading his materials validated my plight. Thanks, Tim!
Sam Vaknin’s web sites and materials are a great opportunity to gain clarity on the workings of narcissism - Sam is a narcissist himself, read more here, or visit his web site here:
http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/
http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/verbal_emotional_abuse
Wondering if you are a SuperSensitive individual ?
And if so, how SuperSensitive are you compared to others with this characteristic?
You can take a test at: http://www.supersensitiveperson.com/
based on Elaine N. Aron's best selling book:
The Highly Sensitive Person- How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You
which provides the
most complete, useful description of the Sensitivity character trait, how it works and how to live with it.
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