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7 Types of Abuse
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Definition
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Abuse is defined in the dictionary as "an evil or corrupt practice; deceit, betrayal, molestation, violation" and comes in many forms including sexual
abuse, physical abuse, child abuse, abuse of power, bullying, harassment, stalking, rape, torture, etc. All abuse is violent, be it physical, emotional, psychological, or a combination. Find seven types of abuse defined below. The common denominator of all abuse is the collection of behaviors of the serial jerk
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Upbringing
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Abusers are often, although not always, brought up in a dysfunctional family. The more abusive the adult, the more dysfunctional the family. Perhaps the father, if present, is violent and
abusive whilst the mother is co-dependent, a
successful survival strategy when living with a violent partner; however, co-dependency also perpetuates the violence as it avoids dealing with the issue. Less commonly recognized is the household where the female is violent and the male is co-dependent. Occasionally, the child is over-protected (cocooned), usually by the well-intentioned but parentally inept mother, and thus never allowed to develop as an individual human being. Sometimes, the child is ignored in favor of a sibling. In all cases, the child misses out on a warm, nurturing childhood and the opportunity to become independent, self-reliant and self-motivated.
Poor interpersonal, poor behavioral and thus poor parenting skills result from many causes. They may simply be learned from abusive parents, or they may
be the result of a disordered personality. Whilst there is a tendency for disordered personality to run in families, it can also occur randomly.
Before blaming the parents for bad parenting, the
reason many parents are dysfunctional is in many cases because they were brought up in dysfunctional
families. The more dysfunctional the parent, the more dysfunctional were their parents ... and so on. Most people are never taught parenting skills. The sole teachers of parenting skills are thus ... our parents. It's not that we actively teach our kids to parent - kids learn by example. We grow up and repeat what they did to us. When stress levels are high then one's instinct is to resort to the behaviors that were exhibited to us under similar circumstances. If all you have ever known is abuse, that is the only way you know how to behave. It's not clear whether human beings automatically know what is right and what is wrong or whether we have to learn it. It's probably a combination of nature and nurture.
The abused child lives in a dysfunctional environment where abuse, violence or neglect are the norm; as the subject of abuse, the child cannot predict the behavior of the responsible
adults, and therefore has no control. Some children learn, usually from an early age, that using bullying behaviors brings relief
from anxiety. With so few people able to recognize bullying for what it is, and with strategies of denial, distraction and feigning victimhood perfected by about the age of five, the child has found a successful strategy for reducing anxiety, and thus surviving. Controlling other children through violent behavior means brings a sense of power (control) to the child; he can't predict or control his parents but he can control other (smaller or less physically strong) children. His targets also become useful objects onto which he can freely displace his own aggression.
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Anxiety
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The abusive person is an individual who lives in a state of unusually high
anxiety and who has not learnt to deal with that anxiety in the way normal people have. The abuser is insecure, immature, and inadequate, especially in the areas of interpersonal and behavioral skills. If the abuse is of a sexual nature, the abuser is likely to be sexually inadequate.
The high anxiety seems to be the result of an inability to relate to other
people combined with the fear of exposure of that person's inadequacy, immaturity and insecurity. This leads the abuser to want to control and dominate others, having never learnt how to interact with others in normal ways. Often, the abuser is personality disordered, or psychopathic (physically violent) or sociopathic (psychologically violent) and despite being fearful of exposure, doesn't show the normal activation of the fight or flight mechanism.
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Abuse: 7 Types
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1.Physical abuse, including assault and any deliberate act
resulting in physical injuries, including beatings in the guise of corporal punishment but which are delivered with fists or to the child's head.
2. Sexual abuse, including incest,
rape, buggery or any pedophile
activity for the gratification of the abuser. The abuser usually has a sexually dysfunctional or unsatisfying relationship with their partner; sexual relations may be violent or inadequate or non-existent, and the child becomes a convenient substitute.
3. Tactile abuse, where there is little or no physical contact
between parent(s) and the young child, and any contact tends to be violent, punitive, unjust and inappropriate. Physical contact seems to be especially important in the first five or six years. Some children enjoy a cuddle into their teens. Sadly, with abuse coming into the open, many parents (especially fathers) now fear that physical contact with children may be regarded and misconstrued as abuse (Note: with malicious accusation, it is invariably the accuser who is guilty of the abuse - see projection on the serial jerk page).
4. Existence abuse where the existence and rights of the child are ignored
- neglect of needs:
- physical (food, clothing, shelter)
- intellectual (education)
- psychological (self-development, self-confidence, self-esteem, maturity)
- behavioral (company, friendship, interpersonal and communication skills, relationships)
- ignoring the child's existence
- rejection as an only child
- ignoring one child and loving all others (rejection)
- ignoring the child as a separate human being and using the child as an
extension of one's own existence (as in MSBP, Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy - almost killing the child then rescuing them in a dramatic attention-seeking manner by arriving at hospital casualty at the last minute, then reveling in the adulation of the concerned mother who nearly lost her child)
abandonment
5. Religious abuse or cult abuse
The child is forced to accept the narrow, exclusive religious views of the
parent or guardian to the exclusion of any other belief or possibility of any belief. Any behavior by the child not in line with the parents' rigid religious zeal is met with punishment and abuse. The child is starved of development in interpersonal skills and relationships in the name of religion. The child is subjected to strange, unnatural and often perverse beliefs on sexual matters and sexual development in line with the religious belief. The child is discouraged or prevented from associating with any person not sharing the religious belief of the parent or guardian
6. Emotional abuse, including
- refusal or unwillingness or inability to express love
- deliberate withholding of love
- conditional love (e.g. "I don't love you when you behave like that")
- loving one child to the exclusion of all others
- cocooning and smothering, denying the child the opportunity to
develop as a separate individual
- being forced into any conflict between parents
- being used as a pawn by warring parents
- being forced into a caring or caretaker role at an inappropriate age
- witnessing alcohol or substance abuse, especially on a regular basis, perhaps being forced to participate
- witnessing violence between parents or adults
7. Psychological abuse, including
- constant criticism of a trivial and unjustified nature
- unjustified blame, often for
things which have no connection with the child (scapegoating)
- refusal to value
- refusal to acknowledge the child and their achievements
- refusal to praise
- inconsistency in judgment
- unclear, shifting and inconsistent boundaries, sometimes no boundaries, at other times very tight boundaries
- refusal to make eye contact with the child over a long period
- refusal of parents to agree with or support each other when dealing with children
- unpredictable behavior on the part of the parents
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Responsibility as Parent
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We're all guilty of some of these things (especially the emotional and
psychological abuse) some of the time, either unwittingly or when we are stressed. However, children are resilient and if you avoid physically punitive responses (e.g. use restraint and the promise of a bonus or reward for good behavior rather than punishment for bad behavior), educate them in how to show dignity and respect, teach them the skills of assertiveness (which include psychological self-defense), talk to them and assure them of your love regularly, they're likely to grow up to be normal, well-adjusted and intelligent people - who will then pass on these benefits to their children.
For ideas on better parenting see and follow the links on the pages http://www.cei.net/~rcox/nospan.html .
I recommend Michele Elliott's
book 501 ways to be a good parent (Hodder & Stoughton, 1996, ISBN 0-340-64903-8).
For dealing with verbal abuse I recommend “The verbally abusive relationship: how to recognize it and
how to respond”, Patricia Evans, Adams, ISBN 1-55850-582-2.
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Why don't targets of abuse report their abuse?
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There are many reasons:
- abuse is a betrayal; the target trusted and depended on the integrity of
another (e.g. child on adult, pupil on teacher, subordinate on manager) and that person betrayed them. The target fears and anticipates, often with justification, that when they report the abuse, they will be betrayed again.
- those in authority did nothing to prevent the abuse while it was happening, nor did they do anything subsequently. Very often it was the person in the
position of authority who was the abuser. Trust in authority is low, with justification.
- the target fears, with justification, that no-one will believe them
- disbelief and denial are
everywhere; people not trained in abuse and with no experience of dealing with abuse find it easier to disbelieve and deny the abuse
- if the target reports the abuse, and initiates legal action
prospects for financial survival may be impaired
- the abuser relies on compulsive lying, Jekyll & Hyde nature, and charm
(click here for details) and uses denial, counterattack, projection and feigning victimhood to evade accountability (click here for details). Charm has a motive - deception.
- the target
felt fear at the time of abuse and continues to feel fear - fear of violence, fear of loss of alimony, child support, fear of humiliation, fear of what others will think, etc.
- the
target feels ashamed of what happened, having been encouraged by the abuser to believe that they were responsible rather than that the abuser was responsible
- because abuse can be of an intimate
nature (e.g. as in sexual abuse), the target feels embarrassed about what happened and continues to feel embarrassed talking about it now (embarrassment is a function of society's attitudes
to sexual behavior)
- the target felt and continues to feel guilty about what happened, having been encouraged by their abuser to believe they were responsible
- fear, shame, embarrassment and
guilt are how all abusers control their victims; they are instruments of power
- the target probably has unusually high levels of naivety which are
heightened by the trauma and which the abuser has exploited and continues to exploit; the target may have been encouraged to withdraw from legal action by the abuser feigning victimhood and playing on their target's forgiving chord and other people's sympathies
- the target feels bewildered and often still cannot believe that it happened;
the target often feels responsible in some way, as evidenced by the nagging thought "Why did I let it happen to me?"
- abuse causes trauma which prevents the target articulating what is happening to them.
trauma and fear also prevent the target from being able to find the right words to identify, unmask and
call to account their tormentor.
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